這許多年，花了不少時間鑽研各宗教派別的經典，特別是神秘主義裏的靈修方法，卻一直未開步老實地走一走。魔鬼對付知識份子之中，最厲害的武器叫哲學思辯，保證讓人沉迷不拔，浪擲一生。正如《牧羊少年奇幻之旅》(The Alchemist) 中的牧羊少年那樣，原來寶藏早埋在自家後院：我自幼在天主教會接受的訓練，早便包含了普世的修行道路。三祖的《信心銘》說得好：「至道無難，唯嫌揀擇」，因為「綿綿陰雨二人行，奈知天不濕一人」，每一條都是成道之路。
讓我明白這個道理的，是天主教隱修士多瑪斯．牟敦 (Thomas Merton)。說來好笑，我是在一次到香港賽峇峇中心 (Sathya Sai Baba Centre of Hong Kong) 和印度教的修道人對話時，由他們那裏聽說牟敦的。不久之後，我帶學生到塔冷通心靈書舍時，正好在推介牟敦的書。結果，我花了過去兩個月，仔細地讀了他的自傳《七重山》(The Seven Storey Mountain)。
「七重山」指的是但丁《神曲》裏的煉獄。多瑪斯．牟敦的一生，早有不少人寫過 (可參閱《曠野雜誌》)。大體而言，在他年輕時，至親一個接一個地死去，於是他在歐洲與美國之間搬來搬去。後來入了大學，他開始放縱情慾，夜夜笙歌，但正如大部分有這經驗的人一樣，他無法找到快樂、滿足與平安，只得到喧鬧過後無盡的空虛 (中譯為筆者試譯)：There has never yet been a bomb invented that is half so powerful as one mortal sin - and yet there is no positive power in sin, only negation, only annihilation: and perhaps that is why it is so destructive, it is a nothingness, and where it is, there is nothing left - a blank, a moral vacuum (p. 141).
從沒有一個炸彈的威力比得上罪，然而罪本身並無力量，只有虛無：也許這正是為什麼罪有如此大的破壞力，它是空虛，它所到之處，什麼也不剩，只有空白，道德的真空。
他於是開始研究東方神秘主義，並放棄了對神與宗教知識的執著：
What a relief it was for me, now, to discover not only that no idea of ours, let alone any image, could adequately represent God, but also that we should not allow ourselves to be satisfied with any such knowledge of Him (p. 191).
這真的讓我鬆一口氣，原來我們不單不能夠以我們的思想，遑論影像，來適當地代表神，更不應該為得到這些神學知識而感滿足。
他的聖召來得有趣：朋友介紹了一位印度教的修道人給他認識，當時他正在讀神秘主義者赫胥黎 (Aldous Huxley) 的著作，本想向那修道人問道，怎料那修道人反建議他讀聖奧斯定 (St. Augustine) 的《懺悔錄》(The Confessions) 與多瑪斯．金碧士 (Thomas à Kempis) 的《效法基督》(The Imitation of Christ)。結果他開始以靈修的角度來研究天主教，並最終成為熙篤會 (Order of Cistercians，即 Trappist) 的隱修士。沒有聽過熙篤會？熙篤會在香港的分支便是大嶼山聖母神樂院 (Trappist Haven Monastery、Our Lady of Joy Abbey)，十字牌牛奶的「產地」。
讀到牟敦經過長年研究之後，跑去央求神父讓他受洗，我才驚覺，自己沒有好好珍惜得來太易的信仰。也可以說，我跑去看示範單位的時間比待在家的時間多。說回《七重山》，此書風行全球五十年，有二十餘種翻譯，暢銷數百萬冊，被譽為二十世紀的《懺悔錄》；全書近五百頁，筆法是七十年前的 (我讀的是英文原著)，要讀完也不容易。所以我決定為大家節錄如下 (Merton, 1999)。
熱愛神，是四大瑜伽修道方式的一種 (其餘三種為智慧、服務、運動)，亦是多瑪斯．牟敦選擇的路：
There is not an act of kindness or generosity, not an act of sacrifice done, or a word of peace and gentleness spoken, not a child's prayer uttered, that does not sign hymns to God before His throne... (p. 142).
無有任何仁愛與慷慨的行為與犧牲、平安與溫柔的說話、或兒童的祈禱，不成為上主寶座前的聖詠。
對牟敦來說，神並不是高高在上的，而是伸手可觸及的：
Not only was there such a thing as a supernatural order, but as a matter of concrete experience, it was accessible, very close at hand, an extremely near, an immediate and most necessary source of moral vitality, and one which could be reached most simply, most readily by prayer, faith, detachment, love (p. 202).
超自然 (屬靈) 的世界不單存在，且是一種具體經驗，垂手可得，極之接近，是直接與必需的道德力量的泉源；最簡單與方便的辦法，便是透過祈禱、信仰、抽離 (對俗世欲望的眷戀)、(對普世生靈的) 愛。
讀書太多，反而是障礙：
How deluded we sometimes are by the clear notions we get out of books. They make us think that we really understand things of which we have no practical knowledge at all. I remember how learnedly and enthusiastically I could talk for hours about mysticism and the experimental knowledge of God, and all the while i was stoking the fires of the argument with Scotch and soda. (p. 224).
有時我們實在太被從書內得到的明確概念迷惑了。他們讓我們覺得，我們真的了解那些我們其實沒有實際體會的知識。我還記得我如何博學與熱衷地不斷談論神秘主義和神學體驗，一邊在辯論中煽風點火，一邊喝威士忌和汽水。
牟敦曾經到過不同的新教 (香港稱「基督教」) 教會，但最後覺得天主教 (或公教會) 更屬靈：
... so many ordinary people in a place together, more conscious of God than of one another: not there to show off their hats or their clothes, but to pray, or at least to fulfill a religious obligation, not a human one. For even those who might have been there for no better motive than that they were obliged to be, were at least free from any of the self-conscious and human constraint which is never absent from a Protestant church where people are definitely gathered together as people, as neighbors, and always have at least half an eye for one another, if not all of both eyes (p. 227).
這麼多的普通人聚在一個地方 (天主教教堂)，對神的存在比起對彼此的存在更留意，大家不是來炫耀自己的帽子或衣服，而是來祈禱，或至少來履行信仰的義務，而不是作為教會內一份子的義務。就算那些除了被迫以外沒有其他動機而來的，也都沒有自覺的約束與社會的規範，這些 (約束與規範) 一直都在新教教堂存在，那些新教信徒是以團體與鄰人的名義聚集，聚集時總是在留心盯著身邊的人，至少有用半隻眼睛，如果不是雙眼全用。
就算在今天，新教信徒也是較像一個親密的大家庭，而天主教徒聚在教堂裏則經常相逢不相識。
牟敦博覽群書的程度令人咋舌，但他再三強調理性的信是不夠。這對我這種書蟲來說不啻是當頭棒喝：
But the conversion of the intellect is not enough. And as long as the will... did not belong completely to God, even the intellectual conversion was bound to remain precarious and indefinite. (p. 253).
但理性的皈依是不夠的。只要意志……還未完全屬於神，那就算理性上的信了，信仰還是不穩定和不確定的。
這段更是赤裸裸地揭露了不少我們這些書蟲的動機：
I did a fair amount of reading that might be called "spiritual," although I did not read spiritually. I devoured books making notes here and there and remembering whatever I thought would be useful in an argument - that is, for my own aggrandizement, in order that I myself might take these things and shine by their light, as if their truth belonged to me (pp. 253-254).
我讀了不少稱得上「靈性」的書，雖然我並沒有帶著靈性來讀。我狼吞虎咽地把書讀完，在這裏那裏做筆記，把我認為在辯論裏有用的東西記下－－也就是全為了自誇需要，為了使我自己能藉這些東西閃耀，彷彿他們的真理是屬於我的
讀到這裏，我連網誌都不再好意思寫：
My chief concern was now to see myself in print. It was as if I could not be quite satisfied that I was real until I could feed my ambition with these trivial glories... This was what I really believed in: reputation, success... How could I love God, when everything I did was done not for Him but for myself, and not trusting in His aid, but relying on my own wisdom and talents? (p. 259).
現在我最關心的是看到自己的文章被刊登。彷彿若不用虛榮餵飼我的野心，我便不覺得自己是真實存在的。我真正信仰的是聲譽、成功... 我又怎麼能愛天主，當我所做的一切都是為我自己而不是為了祂，亦沒有依靠他的助祐，而是依靠自己的智慧和才華？
我也不止一次問自己，除了為吃飯而幹的工作，其餘的工作有多少是為了感覺到自己的存在或肯定自己的價值而做的呢？
The logic of worldly success rests on a fallacy: the strange error that our perfection depends on the thoughts and opinions and applause of other men! A weird life it is, indeed, to be living always in somebody else's imagination, as if that were the only place in which one could at last become real! (p. 362)
世俗的成功依靠一個謬誤的邏輯：奇怪地錯以為我們的完美建基於別人的想法、意見和掌聲之上！事實上，總是活在別人的想像中，彷彿變成了讓自己真正存在的唯一方法，這樣的一生不是很奇怪嘛！
其實，當自己不斷尋找愛的時候，又有多少次是愛自己多於愛對方、想肯定自己的存在價值呢？
至於讀神學哲學，初初是很吸引，但實際上對靈修的幫助很有限：
The heights that can be reached by metaphysical speculation introduce a man into a realm of pure and subtle pleasure that offers the most nearly permanent delights you can find in the natural order... Yet even though the subject matter may be the mysteries of the Christian faith, the manner of contemplating them, speculative and impersonal, may still not transcend the natural plane... (p. 265)
形而上學的揣度可以讓人達到一個高度，提供一個人在自然層次裏最接近永恆的純淨和微妙的喜悅……然而，即使揣度的主題是基督信仰的奧秘，依著 (形而上學) 思考、揣度和非人性化的方式，總是無法超越自然層次……
甚至沒有以神為中心的冥想，牟敦亦批評，因為它帶有自私的本質：
In such an event, you get, not contemplation, but a kind of intellectual and esthetic gluttony - a high and refined and even virtuous form of selfishness. And when it leads to no movement of the will towards God, no efficacious love of Him, it is sterile and dead, this meditation, and could even accidentally become, under certain circumstances, a kind of a sin - at least an imperfection (p. 265).
在這種情況下，你得到的，不是默觀，而是一種理性和美感的饗宴、一種高尚、精緻、甚至是善的自私。當它導致我們停止信靠神、停止去愛祂，那它便是是貧瘠與無生命的，這種默觀，甚至會在某些情況下變成一種罪，或至少是個缺陷。
因此，他後來回想初入修院興奮的心情時，也覺得自己很自私：
My secret joy at entering the infirmary came from the thought: "Now at last I will have some solitude and I will have plenty of time to pray."... I was fully convinced that I was going to indulge all the selfish appetites that I did not yet know how to recognize as selfish because they appeared so spiritual in their new disguise... spiritual gluttony, spiritual sensuality, spiritual pride... (p. 426)
我進入醫務室時暗暗地慶幸：「我現在終於有些獨處的時間，有充足的時間祈禱了。」……我覺得我將能放縱自己去滿足我所有自私的慾望，當時我還不知道這些慾望是自私的，因為它們穿上了「心靈」的新偽裝……心靈的暴飲暴食、心靈的感官享受、心靈的自高自大……
那麼，默觀或冥想時的對象應該是什麼呢？不應該是開悟成道，而是人類以及所有生靈的福祉。因為，世界正是大家內心的投射；而修道人在山洞與修院裏默默在做的，便是靠冥想與禱文，改變這個世界。教宗曾說過，聖母預言的第三次世界大戰曾多次因為大家頌唸玫瑰經而延後，所以至今仍未爆發。聽起來有點不可思議，但這個概念卻在所有宗教裏都存在，正是「隨其心淨則佛土淨」。
"Do you know what Love is? You have never known the meaning of Love, never, you who have always drawn all things to the center of your own nothingness. Here is Love in this chalice full of Blood, Sacrifice... where is your love? Where is now your Cross, if you say you want to follow Me, if you pretend you love Me? ... these men are dying for Me. These monks are killing themselves for Me: and for you, for the world, for the people who do not know Me, for the millions that will never know them on this earth..." (p. 355)
「你知道什麼是愛嗎？你從來不知道愛的真諦，從不，你這個只懂將有東西拉向虛空的自我中心的人！這杯充滿血和犧牲的才是愛... 如果你說要跟隨我，如果你裝作愛我，那你的十架在那裏？……這些人在為我而死，這些僧侶為了我而把自己的生命消耗掉，也為了你，為了整個世界，為那些未認識我的人，亦為了那幾百萬將永不知道他們存在的人。
當世人都在犯罪的時候，也就是客觀世界陷入戰亂的時候：
Now it seemed that at last there really would be war in earnest... this was obscure to most people, and made itself felt only in a mixture of disgust and hopelessness and dread. They did not realize that the world had now become a picture of what the majority of its individuals had made of their own souls (p. 271).
現在，似乎真的會發生戰爭 (二次世界大戰)……對大多數人來說，只是模糊地感覺到厭惡、絕望和恐懼的混合。他們沒有理解到，客觀世界現正反映出大部分人靈魂裏的圖像。
牟敦最後在古巴的教堂裏見性開悟，遇上修道人夢寐以求的神秘經驗：
... that cry, "Creo en Dios!" It was loud, and bright, and sudden and glad and triumphant... that came from all those Cuban children, a joyous affirmation of faith... Then, as sudden as the shout and as definite, and a thousand times more bright, there formed in my mind an awareness, an understanding, a realization of what had just taken place on the altar, at the Consecration... It was a light that was so bright that it had no relation to any visible light and so profound and so intimate that it seemed like a neutralization of every lesser experience... this light was in a certain sense "ordinary" -- it was a light (and this most of all was what took my breath away) that was offered to all, to everybody, and these was nothing fancy or strong about it. It was the light of faith deepened and reduced to an extreme and sudden obviousness... It was as if I had been suddenly illuminated by being blinded by the manifestation of God's presence. The reason why this light was blinding and neutralizing was that there was and could be simply nothing in it of sense or imagination. When I call it a light that is a metaphor which I am using, long after the fact... it was concrete and experimental and belonged to the order of knowledge, yes, but more still to the order of love... And the first articulate thought that came to my mind was: "Heaven is right here in front of me: Heaven, Heaven!" It lasted only a moment: but it left a breathless joy and a clean peace and happiness that stayed for hours and it was something I have never forgotten (pp. 311-312).
……那一聲「我信主」是如此響亮、耀眼、突然、歡愉和勝利……來自那些古巴兒童快樂地肯定他們的信仰……然後，就如那一聲呼喊般突然，且要耀眼一千倍，在我的腦海裡形成了一份覺醒，一種理解、一個對剛剛發生在祭壇上的聖祭的明悟……它像盞非常耀眼的燈，沒有任何可見的光能如此深刻、如此親密，比所有其他的經驗都比下去……這光在一定的意義上可算「平常」－－這光 (讓我窒息的主要是它) 平常也被供給每個人，沒有什麼花巧或神力。這只是信仰之光被深化和簡約後的極端與突然的顯現……我卻像突然被神的臨在耀目至盲。這光致盲的原因是，它沒有包含屬於感知或想像的部分 (即不是用眼睛看的光)。我雖叫它做「光」，但這只是我很久之後想到的一個比喻……它可說是具體的、經驗的、屬於知識層次的，但更大部分是在愛的層次……我當時的第一個念頭是：「天堂就在我面前了：天堂，天堂！」雖然只持續了片刻，但它留下了一個讓人摒息的喜悅和純淨的和平和幸福，持續了好幾個小時，讓我一生難忘。
正如所有靈修的傳統一樣，「見性」只是開始，而不是終結。之後還要不斷地默觀與祈禱來精進修行：
God began to fill my soul with grace in those days, grace that sprung from deep within me... through my constant immersion in this tremendous, unending cycle of prayer, ever renewing its vitality, its inexhaustible, sweet energies, from hour to hour, from season to season in its returning round (p. 331).
神開始在那些日子裏把我的靈魂注滿恩寵，那些從我內心深處湧出的恩寵……通過我恆常地浸淫在極棒和無休止的祈禱週期中，(那恩寵) 不斷從中汲取生命力，汲取那用之不竭而又甜蜜的能量，一小時又一小時，一季又一季，週而復始。
除了愛神的默觀外，服務也是四大得道方法之一，牟敦亦有在遁入修院前嚐試過。當時有一位外號「男爵夫人」(Baroness) 的凱瑟琳 (Catherine de Hueck) 正在哈林區服務貧苦大眾，他於是跑到哈林幫助她。
They would live and work in the slums, lose themselves, in the huge anonymous mass of the forgotten and the derelict, for the only purpose of living the complete, integral Christian life in that environment -- loving those around them, sacrificing themselves for those around them, and spreading the Gospel and the truth of Christ, most of all by being saints, by living in union with Him, by being full of His Holy Ghost, His charity (pp. 375-376).
他們在貧民區裏生活與工作，在被社會遺忘與拋棄了的一大群無名的人中忘掉自我，只為在那裏活出那完全完整的基督徒生活－－愛身邊的鄰人，為他們犧牲，傳播福音與基督的真理，最重要的是成聖，與祂合而為一，充滿聖神 (聖靈) 與祂的仁愛。
凱瑟琳認為，正正是因為教徒沒有效法基督，卻與中產為伍，才讓共產黨在草根階層中有機可乘。
The Communists know more about those Encyclicals than the average Catholic (p. 374).
那些共產黨比任何普通的基督徒更熟悉教宗的通諭。
不過，牟敦最終還是選擇了進入隱修院：
I was free. I had recovered my liberty. I belonged to God, not to myself: and to belong to Him is to be free, free of all the anxieties and worries and sorrows that belong to this earth, and the love of the things that are in it (p. 406).
我自由了。我重獲自由。我屬於主了，不再屬於自己：屬於主就是被釋放，從這個世界的焦慮、憂患、悔疚以及對世上一切的眷戀中被釋放。
隱修院內那些有一千五百年歷史、由聖本篤 (St. Benedict) 傳到今天的戒律，出名嚴格，聖本篤自己的徒弟都曾經因為忍受不了而想毒殺他！牟敦對這些要求有這樣的看法：
That is the meaning of the contemplative life, and the sense of all the apparently meaningless little rules and observances and fasts and obedience and penances and humiliations and labors that go to make up the routine of existence in a contemplative monastery: they all serve to remind us of what we are and Who God is -- that we may get sick of the sight of ourselves and turn to Him: and in the end, we will find Him in ourselves, in our own purified natures which have become the mirror of His tremendous Goodness and of His endless love... (pp. 409-410).
這就是隱修默觀的意義，以及那些表面無意義的小規則、禮儀、齋戒、服從、苦修、謙遜和勞動，構成了一間隱修院的存在規律：這些都是用來提醒我們自己是什麼，神又是誰－－讓我們對自我感到噁心而靠向神。最終，我們會在自己內找到神，那被淨化的本性會漸漸變成祂偉大的善與無盡的愛的反映。
這就等於說，神性、佛性本在心中，只要磨掉「自我」，道體便顯現。
「自我」很狡滑，甚至會以「我得道」的方式出現。在信仰內，修士以完全信靠神的旨意來抵抗這念頭：
... if I had a secret desire for what the lingo of the pious manuals would call the "summits" I had better be cautious about the way I manifested it... All that I needed to worry about was to do God's will, to enter the monastery if I were allowed to do so, and take things as I found them (p. 413).
如果我秘密地希望達到行話所說的「峰頂」(開悟)，那我還是要謹慎地看它怎樣被表現出來……我應該只留心遵行天主的旨意，當被允許時加入修道院，當被賜予時拿取我的成果。
「交托」(Submit) 與「峰頂」(Summit) 只是一個字母的分別呢。
然而就算沒有對開悟得道的欲求，修道的過程仍是很值得享受的：既自由，又滿足：
The grace of simplicity... meant the innocence and liberty of soul that come to those who have thrown away all preoccupation with themselves and their own ideas and judgements and opinions and desires, and are perfectly content to take things as they come to them from the hands of God and through the wishes and commands of their superiors (p. 427).
「單純」的恩寵...指的是一個扔掉所有俗務、想法、判斷，意見與欲望的靈魂所保持的純潔和自由，對由神賜與的與上師許予的東西深感滿足。
這個恩寵亦賦予了修道人抵抗罪惡與欲望的力量：
"Once you have grace... you are free. Without it, you cannot help doing the things you know you should do, and that you know you don't really want to do. But once you have grace, you are free. When you are baptized, there is no power in existence that can force you to commit a sin -- nothing that will be able to drive you to it against your own conscience. And if you merely will it, you will be free forever, because the strength will be given you, as much as you need, and as often as you ask, and as soon as you ask, and generally long before you ask for it, too." (p. 437).
「一旦你有恩寵，你便自由了。沒有它，你不能忍住不做該做而又不想做的事情，但一旦你有恩寵，你便自由了。當你受洗後，再沒有力量可以強迫你犯罪－－再沒有什麼能夠迫使你違背自己的良心。只要你決心要它，你將永遠自由，因為你將被賦予力量，要多少有多少，要幾次有幾次，只要求便立即有，而且一般早在你求之前便已給予你了。」
別以為天主教修院修的是枯木禪，他們每天也像百丈禪師一樣勤勞地工作，加上靈修的時間，其實十分繁忙：
...really begin to feel the weight of our so-called active contemplation... the "exercise of contemplation" -- the choral office and mental prayer and so on -- principally a means of penance and self-punishment (pp. 430-431).
真的開始感覺到我們所謂主動默觀的份量……「默觀的練習」－－歌詠團和心靈祈禱等等－－主要是懺悔和自我懲罰的手段。
牟敦認為，勞動和善功 (包括傳道與服務)，與默觀和祈禱，兩者並無衝突，都是成道成聖的方法，兩者相輔相成：
Saint Bonaventure saw... "Saint Francis 'passed over into God' in the ecstasy of contemplation and thus he was set up as an example of perfect contemplation just as he had previously been an example of perfection in the active life in order that God, through him, might draw all truly spiritual men to this kind of 'passing over' and ecstasy, less by word than by example." (p. 457)
聖文德看到……「聖方濟各默觀的狂喜中『超越到神內』，他也因此成為完美默觀的典範，就像他以前是完美善功的典範一樣：透過他，神讓真正的修道者都對這種『超越』和『狂喜』產生嚮往。」
但又正如所有得道的人一樣，其實終點就在起點，我們早就到達、我們根本便從那裏來。這段說話，與《法華經》的「法華七喻」，好像窮子喻、衣珠喻等，意思完全一樣：
We cannot arrive at the perfect possession of God in this life, and this is why we are traveling and in darkness. But we already possess Him by grace, and therefore in that sense we have arrived and are dwelling in the light. But oh! How far have I go to find You in Whom I have already arrived! (p. 459)
我們無法在此生中完全地擁有神，這就是為什麼我們總在流徙與黑暗中。但我們能夠透過恩寵擁有他，並因此在某意義上，抵達終點與光明。但是，唉！我竟走了這麼多路才找到那早已抵達的終點！
不錯，我在開首時說透過牟敦，我終於在自己的信仰裏找到修道的方法，但你可能發現我還是用了很多其他宗教的字眼，特別是佛教。那是因為我內心的激動：我沒想過，作為顯教代表的天主教，內裏有如密教一樣的傳統，有活生生的修道人，不是在中世紀，而是在當代，並能達到與其他傳統一般的境界。在另一本書，《僧侶與哲學家》(The Monk and the Philosopher) 之中，有這麼的一段：
一位喇嘛……問格勒諾布爾市的市長，他可否會見那些修道士……談話的主題完全是關於靜觀生活……他們發現雙方隱修生活的模式是非常相似的……在精神實踐者 (即修道人) 之間，人們沒有感覺到任何障礙……一見面，這位喇嘛就握住他們的手，僵局便打破了。(勒維爾，2005，pp. 134-135)
如果你對在公教會的傳統內修行有興趣，你可以由一本小書開始，叫《羅馬日課經》(Breviarium)，裏面有教如何進行一天五次的祈禱與對聖人的默想，與回教徒的日課一樣。現在，這小書連同思高版聖經，都可以在手機在安裝，名為「我靈讚頌主」(iBreviarium；Android、Apple)。Reference:
Merton, T. (1999). The seven storey mountain (50th anniversary ed.). San Diego: Harcourt Brace.
勒維爾 (2005)．《和尚與哲學家》．陸元昶譯．江蘇人民出版社
